So if you don't all know by now, I am in my OB/Gyn/L&D rotation. I had this revelation while listening to a fabulous lecture from my fabulous theory teacher about the similarities between PPD and Nursing School. "HUH?" You say...just hear me out but first let me say that I have never had PPD and if you are reading this and you have yourself suffered PPD I apologize profusely for being an ass and lacking true understanding but talking about it anyway. Understand that I am looking at PPD from a theoretical perspective not from an empathic perspective and I see that much of what I suffered in response to the shit of the first semester is similar to what I read and was taught about PPD. Or at leat similar enough that I drew a vague parallel between the two.

How? Well, think about how excited women get when they find out they're pregnant...provided it's a wanted pregnancy. There's all this hype about how great it's gonna be and all of our greatest fans tell us how much we're gonna love being a mom and what a great mom we're gonna be and, and AND! the list goes on and on about how amazingly great it all is...and then the day comes...and we experience the greatest pain of our life. Some of us were lucky enough to turn our pain into triumph, some, not so much. But in the end, most of the babies came out healthy with 20 digits in the right place, looking a little blue and ragged but here nonetheless and we moms and dads cried at the sight of these larval things so quickly attached to mom's breast and the joy was so out of control that we didn't know what to do. But then the hormones crashed and there were body fluids everywhere and if you don't know what I mean think: Middle of the night, pee from kid, tears from kid, blood from uterus, breast milk leaking, tears from mom....it just gets to be too much particularly when you consider the level of sleep deprivation we suffer with our first child. And then mom starts feeling a little dysphoric. We're told it's the baby blues and that it will pass once mom gets some sleep and her hormones mellow out. But it doesn't. And mom feels worse. But mom feels badly about it getting worse (and here is where I saw the parallel)because isn't she supposed to be the happiest she's ever been since everyone told herthat she would be? And then the shame for not being stronger; wiser. Cause gosh, we are lucky, really - there are no bombs falling from the sky, we have ample food and can eat far beyond satiety; shelter and the love of our community. But t all spirals down in a nasty funnel of disinterest and self-loathing with no room to really feel loudly all that one does.

This isn't a terribly profound connection but a necessary link in my mind for understanding and closure. I was so excited to begin nursing school and I had such big plans for my two years and then, when it turned out to be nothing like I expected - wow, what a let down! But then I felt guilty about not being thankful simply for the fact that I got in since it's a lottery rather than meritocratic process. And all this left me stressed out with zits all over my face (I eats copious amounts of chocolate - you know, like binge chocolate eating - very bad - when I am stressed which in turn makes zits on my face. I thought this was a myth but I did a little experiment over two months and sure enough - eat choco, get zits...sucks to be me) and crying when I thought about having to return to school. But I went back anyway armed to the teeth with 5 weeks of therapy (yes, I went to therapy - that's how bad it got...it was bad!) and a new attitude. That being said, I was still in tears my first two days back this semester. I gnawed my way thru the first 8 weeks and my evaluations were very positive and strong and I got straight As again. Not bad...

So here we are, present day - we just started our new rotations. Our class has broken up into one group of 22, one group of 12 and another group of 12. And I'm in my OB rotation. The three women teaching clinical and theory are ALL amazing women. R. was my clinical instructor last semester, the one who has been a big cheerleader for me and has kept me grounded and is NEVER afraid to bring me back to earth with a firm hand, kind word and quick mind. She really smart, trained at Chapel Hill and just really gets it. Then there is M., my theory teacher and K my clinical instructor - both super smart - one Columbia trained and the other trained at UC - real nurses with real Masters Degrees who can actually THINK!!

So can you imagine? I am in HEAVEN. If nursing school were like this every single semester I would never leave school. Most of my classmates are still either idiots or assholes or too entitled to wipe their own asses, but I have a small pod of good buddies that stick up for me and think I'm a goddess. (and it goes back the other way too - I love them all dearly...) I have a little study group that I really like. This is odd for me because historically I have never enjoyed or found useful study groups but I actually run the group and since my three study buddies are so sharp my learning is well reinforced. We're all fans of each other and we take good care of each other - it's so SO wonderful!

I also just finished my first week of clinical rotations and gave my first IM injection - Betamethasone - into a gal's right buttock and JESUS! that friggin' needle was so BIG! I so didn't want to poke that woman with that needle. FUCKIN FREAKED ME OUT! Which is hilarious because skills are generally pretty easy for me and this one actually rattled me slightly. I've put catheters in, suctioned nasty-ass mucus from patients' throats, wiped more asses that I have memory for - never with so much as a blink of an eye, and then the needle came out and it just creeped me out to be putting something that big in someone's bootie-muscle.

Next day I gave another and it was all good. More later....

Why?

a dialog in the car between Sage and her friend, Varian on the way home from school today:

Varian: "Sage, do you know what 17X0 is? (Varian is an older man, in first grade)

Sage: "Uh, you mean, 17 zero times?"

Varian: "No, 17 X 0"

Sage: "Yah, same thing, 17 zero times is ZERO of course."

Then they proceed to have this conversation back and forth that consisted of picking numbers randomly and continually coming up with zero to illustrate the "zero times" concept. Finally, tiring of this Varian says,

"Hey Sage, I got on for ya'! What's Chicken times Zero?"

Sage: silence for a few seconds.... and then: "And EGG! Because it looks like Zero!" She was so please with herself.

I giggled all the way home.

When we get home Varian says to Sage, "Sage, you're not like other girls."

Sage: "What do you mean, Varian?"

Varian: "Well, I have other friends that are girls and they dress all fancy and stuff and you're not all fancy like other girls and you suit me really well, I think."


Huh? Did he really say that? What a goof! Varian is one of the coolest kids I've ever met. (aside from Sage, of course ;-) )

Freedom is so close I can taste it. 10AM tomorrow and I'll be a free woman for FIVE WEEKS! I'm terribly excited.

I had two finals on Monday; a "pass" for one and an A for the other. I had my clinical evaluation today which was very positive. I had an *amazing* clinical instructor this semester. The bad news is that she's set the bar high and I'm worried no one else will seem nearly as good. She said I'm going to do really well and that I'm going to make a great nurse and that it was a pleasure to have me. awwww, shucks.

I have my last final demain matin...Pharmacology - I don't expect it will be easy being that I have barely studied for it and the teacher actually writes the questions rather than pluck them from some random question bank. I will actually have to think about the answers...imagine that...

I am so desperate for a break - I'm worn down physically and emotionally. I haven't needed therapy as a regular thing in nearly 20 years...but guess what? Nursing had driven me to seek out therapy. Me! The gal with the really good coping skills, hide of steel and stout constitution simply could not endure the dynamic of a bunch of stressed out, insecure women all piled up in one place. So therapy it is.

I have made some really good friends there though. Anna - she my intellectual match, Leslie is my comic relief, Rebecca is my doppleganger (sort of, anyway) and Jessica is my rock. Jessica redefines mellow. These fabulous ladies are my sanity! Thank goodness for them - I really can't imagine what it would be like without them. Hell, I guess.

One more day... oh just one more day.

Two funny things for today:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Michelle Gellar) has decided to try her hand at singing. I heard this on the radio this morning and guess what the title of the track that was played is named? "Teen Horniness is not a Crime." Or maybe it was "ain't a crime." Nevertheless, I giggled all the way to school and halfway through my first final. It's far worse than the worst Bubble Gum Pop one can imagine and it's so bad that I hope it was done as a joke rather than a serious attempt at a singing career.

Update: here's a little vid from youtube:





Second:

The Redneck Olympics...I haven't seen anything this fine on youtube in a long time. A must see.






Two happy things that happened today:

Final number one is finished - was very easy which means I either Aced it or bombed it.

Final number two done - pass/no pass and I pass. WHEW!

One left and I'm liberated for 5 friggin' weeks! YES YES YES.

I've decided to send the dog to school for me. I've had quite enough.

Last night I had two dreams. One really horrible and not worth mentioning further than that it drove me from bed at all to early an hour and the other which was most interesting.

I time-traveled to a meadow cira 1977 and met myself as a 7 year old little girl in a meadow. I had a long conversation with me and I played with me. I told little me that life might get a little harder but that I'd always make it through. How cheesy is that? You'd think that if I had the opportunity to meet me I'd come up with something far more clever than that. I told me to seek out high quality people, not just the ones that are comfortable. I have a vague memory of telling me more clever stuff...but who knows what...it was dreamland... And then I didn't want to tell me too much because I didn't want me to stray away from the path on which I currently travel - oh no...life is far too sweet to not want to be here. It was neat to see me - I have so few memories of my childhood - but I just can't seem to conjure them up. It's frustrating and I wonder how much of my dreams are true memories that were just buried deep. The brain is interesting but the mind is far more so; so much more complex. And memory is so pliable...no wonder our truths are so different...

That's all I can write for now...my poor arthritic hands are aching beyond belief form this low pressure system blowing in. The papers i had to write last night didn't help either.

Was that Paul Anka that sang that song? (What a difference a day (some brains)makes?)

So on Wednesday, the gods were smiling on me. I had become completely demoralized by this whole process and when Monday rolled around the last thing I wanted to do was go and sit in a lecture where the content.....hmmmmmm....well, ever watch those Peanuts cartoons where the teacher would say, "wonk wonk wonk wonk-wonkwonk woooonk?" Well, welcome to NE 135, Nursing Fundamentals! That's what my lectures are like. I've just been hating it. But the Gods and Goddesses were smiling on me for Wednesday I was assigned the most amazing patient in the world and even better, I got a smart nurse. (really smart) Not just a good nurse, but a smart nurse. She was out of this world. She was happy to have me and showed me SOOOOO many tricks and she spoke to me like a smart person. It is the first time I have felt challenged my entire time at school. I had a hard time keeping up with her! She answered my questions and watched me like a hawk without hovering over me and allowed me to do many things! And she treated me with respect. I made so many friggin' mistakes! It was truly an unbelievable day. She completely refocused me and showed me what it's like to work with smart people and I don't feel as downtrodden as before. I hope I can find someone like her to be my preceptor...

this is short...I have lots of work to do...

ugh ugh ugh....exams...projects...VCEs...careplans...only two weeks left.

SHHHHHH! Don't tell anyone, but I really like the image of the sexy nurse. I know I'm not supposed to, but how can I not? She's hawt!




don't you agree? I know, I know, she allegedly degrades the profession... but why can't a nurse be sexy AND smart?

What I hate about the holidays is the part, "When everyone is gone."

The last of our guests left and I always feel so blue. Not that my own family doesn't fill me up and give me great joy...it's just that...well...the more the merrier. Lorca's family is amazing and our friend's are just so cool. *sigh*

I do enjoy the solitude and I do need some quiet time to recuperate from this nasty-ass cold. (which is really kicking my butt.)But I so love my community and I wish we could all live together on a hundred acres with gardens and chickens and goats and ponds...and and and....with the kids running amok and the grannies doing their granny things... Michael leading nature walks...orchards, dogs and and..... My Eutopia.

Jenny, my husband's ex came to visit with her husband, Daniel. It was short and (bitter)-sweet. I'll get to the bitter part later.

Jenny and Daniel are of the way smart variety. They are both career biologists, smart and interesting. Daniel is essentially a walking encyclopedia, very cute, and animated beyond belief. His interest in the natural world is conveyed to those willing to listen with such excitement and joy that he nearly levitates when recounting those stories which reside in his mind. And Jenny, well, I see why Lorca was with her for 9 years and am so honored that he picked me after being with her. Anyway, I was nearly intoxicated with fascination sitting on the floor listening to them tell tales of their work and their travels. But it wasn't just about and exchange of information - I was in (basking in, really) the presence of minds that are curious, interesting (interested) and probing. Simply put, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Between them and Lorca, I was just happy happy happy. Oh, and they brought Chocolate. But not just Chocolate - chocolate from all over the world. Also a bittersweet experience, but not in the punny kind of way. Their chocolate (some bittersweet, some milk, some with gradu)punctuated the fact that America just don't know how to make chocolate.

So what was bittersweet about their visit? Well, it was a sour reminder to me that I am not among peers in school. And, I'm starting to feel like this process is dumbing me down. In trying to be open to other people I'm starting to be consumed by sloppy thinking and boring, lazy minds. I've always been very peer-oriented so why should this be a surprise to me? Well, I guess that I thought I had gotten stronger than that - impervious, if you will, to the slop that is so pervasive in our culture. I realized that I have exposed myself to such a thin slice of our society's collective mind that I've become completely unaware of how the larger chunk of society thinks. And oh, what a painful realization. But that's OK because I am an optimist and I have decided that I just need to readjust my strategies here...stay tuned...I'll come up with something.

The worst hit of the weekend was finding out that there is just no way in hell I will be able to pull off the MEPN program. Their clinical rotations are clear down in the South Bay and my family would scarcely recognize me after a year's time in this program. *sigh* Indeed, time for a readjustment.

I think I coughed it up when I was downstairs... It's gonna be a long week. I have this nasty cold tha I wholly expected to kick in a day or two. But no, it's not the one getting kicked... I seem to be getting worse rather than better!

I had a classmate tell me today that she thinks I have low self-esteem. (don't ask how I got her to tell me this - it was a very demoralizing conversation in general) I started cracking up when she told me this because, really, COME AWN! do you really think that's my problem? I was thinking to myself, "Is this opposite day?" Because ego is not an area I would say I am in the lack. Now if she had told me I was arrogant I might have said, "Yes, I can be, particularly when people say stupid things." I'm always open to listening to what people have to say about who they think I am - it's at least amusing and often helpful in that I am able to see myself from an outside perspective. But today, talking to this woman, it dawned on me that she is not someone who I respect and ti was so friggin' painful to listen to her. And frankly, I don't acutally give a shit what she thinks about me! I'm nice to people, I keep my yap shut and I get my shit done. And, where does she get off coming up with something like this - I only have two classese with her (theory and pharm) where i never say anything. She's not in my skills lab, not in my clinical so how on earth is she able to assess this alleged character fault of mine? HUH???

Now one of the things I have been working on, ironically, is trying to see people for who they are and not for how they trigger me. (people annoy me easily when they're being dumb) So I listened to this woman defame by character for nearly an hour before I finally decided that enough was enough and it took me a whole other hour to get her to see how at fault she was for making this assumption about me. She really REALLY wanted to blame me for this. And she is going to be a nurse. Scary, eh?

Phooey.

I told my father-in-law my scores on my last two exams which were very high and he said, "This means that you aren't studying in the right place. You need to be among peers." And he is SOOOOO right. I'm not being challenged, I'm bored and I'm misbehaving because of it. I need to be somewhere where everyone is smarter than me. I operate more optimally when slightly intimidated. If I had low self esteem as this woman alleged, I might enjoy being a big fish in a little pond more than I do, which is not at all, at this point, non?

Phooey.

Tomorrow is a new day filled with new snot in my head and maybe I'll find that lung I coughed up. I am considering drilling a hole in my neck so I can breathe. My nose is too full of snot. But hey, Thanksgiving is coming up and you know what??? I am so fucking thankful for SO many things. More on that later when I am less sour. peace out.

ps - while I'm bitching I'll let you all know that I am going to post a pic of me in my uniform...remember Right Said Fred? Yah, well, it applies here. It's not so much in the sexy department. Burlap is the first word that comes to mind. rock on braddah.

http://www.brucemaudesign.com/manifesto.html

check out his manifesto... I'm just in love. Check it out, really.

Hah. I just realized that two of my entries are titled somewhat religiously. I started cracking up because, really, I have had to enter this whole process with some degree of blind faith. We get little to no direction from 80% of our instructors and have to just hope and pray that it all works out. The tests are something of an experience - while my grades are good the exams are no indication of my knowledge base and some of the assignments we have to turn in are not corrected and there is no key so we have no idea ff the answers are correct or not. I think next time one of my teachers says something really stupid in class I'm going to think, "Peace be with you..." and imagine her saying back, "And with you..." Heh... this is going to be a long two years.

All Hallow's Eve; one of the most mysterious days of the year and a day that has become, for me, something of an event. Having a little daughter has made it more so with all the fuss over costumes and the ensuing battles over how much candy one is allowed to eat in one day and trying to titrate said candy so that one dear daughter doens't go psycho. But that's not what I'm talking about. Rewind to Halloween, 2000: Sage was conceived against all odds. And just one week after her dear Graunt Lisa left this realm via a tragic and unexpected car accident. (I often wonder if Lisa guided her little soul to us. I'm at least certain they saw each other in the passing - how else could we have gotten so lucky??) Lisa visited me in the hospital on the eve of our daughter's birth - I wasn't on any medication and while I dream rather lucidly many nights of the week I'm fairly certain I wasn't dreaming. Samhain, 2004 I was visited by my dead Uncle Monte telling me that being dead wasn't so bad. It was a horrific dream - I dindn't know him all that well but I have a fairly romantic vision in my bank of memories. He came to me with his guts all rotted out and black - he had died of cancer at a very young age. (mid 40s I think)

Halloween 2007: a nurse Ghost begins visiting me in my dreams telling me how to do things correctly. I have seen her three times now and it's simply comical! She has a clear and distinct look - I know her face, her glasses, her hair and her scrubs. She looks like no one I've ever seen - not even the component parts. She's a sturdy glamazon with enormous shoulders and long dirty blonde hair to her waist and wire rim glasses that don't stay no her nose. She wears a fanny pack in which she keeps little items that make her day to day tasks easier. The odd thing is that the small fanny pack which should hold few things is rather like one of those clown cars and she pulls very large things from it in my dreams. She has come to me three times and given me very good, practical advice. Once she visited me telling me how to wash myself before I visit my dear father-in-law who is in the hospital and neutropenic (no white blood cells to stave off infection) because of his chemotherapy. She's instructed me in how to place TED hose (the dreaded TED hose) with more ease and she has told me in one dream to "keep my eye on the prize" (my new mantra) and that I will find a place for myself in the nursing profession. This came at a good time - RN school is more difficult than I thought to stomach - there is so much psychosocial slop that I have to wade through and so much sloppy thinking!! And Med-Surg nursing is really, really painful. But thanks to Nurse-Ghost I am able to stay on the positive and keep perspective. Not only do I have a kick-ass community and family but now I have NG to keep me going. Wow. I'm a lucky girl.

So last week, well, last week I had an interesting patient. It was a tough, long day and I finally received my first bit of criticism (critique). About bloody time as I'm doing plenty wrong...I weathered it with grace while my ego crumbled. It's hard being an over-achieving perfectionist and it took an incredible amount of energy to receive the critique without beating myself up and being annoyed. It was incredibly useful advice for the setting in which we are learning but goes against all that defines who I am and what will make me a good nurse for the setting in which I will eventually work. So it was this weird dance where I just couldn't find a place to settle. It would take a 'coon's age to explain it all and maybe I will later but suffice to say, I worked it out with my skills lab teacher and, of course, my dear, patient husband. My issue boiled down to feeling like what was being asked of me was complacence... not my bag, so much. But, in the context of being a nursing student (read, "show up, shut up and wear beige") it was appropriate and I'm thankful for it and thankful that it came from her. But this is all just nonsense in light of what happened to my very favorite clinical mate, Leslie.

She was given a patient who is in the hospital for respiratory failure because of her obesity. She is so obese that the weight on her chest made it so that she can't breathe properly and she almost died. She had developed a nasty pneumonia-like thing from not moving. (atelectasis is what it's called- it's not actually a pneumonia...but you get my drift that her lungs were toast from not moving around - the small spaces close up from disuse and gas exchange becomes difficult) She she had a hole cut in her throat (tracheostomy) so she could have a machine breathe for her. She's been bed-bound because of her weight for over two years. While in hospital she's been placed on a severe calorie-restricted diet and is being given physical and occupational therapy every day for 3 hours. She's much better - she's lost 50 + pounds, had her trach DC'd and can walk about 15 feet on her own. But, she's very hungry and very manipulative. Enter Leslie. If you knew my good buddy, you'd laugh even harder. She's one of those people who has so unique an outlook on life you are never, ever bored around them.

So, Leslie was doing her best to serve this woman well. She needed very little medical care and asked Leslie to take her on a roll - she directed her out the door and down the road. Leslie, unawares of the goings-on asks where they are going. (She's in a huge, custom made wheelchair that is very hard to push because of her weight) Patient replies, "Oh, just down the road to the store to get some mineral water." OK, thinks Leslie, mineral water is nice and refreshing, no problem. So they get to the store (which is at least half a mile down the road from the hospital and uphill) and Leslie pushes the woman in and goes to the back of the store to get some mineral water. When Leslie comes back, the woman pays and then waits. Leslie is wondering what they're waiting for and asks. Turns out the woman had ordered a CHICKEN! Leslie nearly had a heart attack and starts freaking out telling the woman, "You can't eat that chicken! You're on a restricted diet and forget that! You're gonna get me kicked out of nursing school! Put that back!" To which the patient replies, "Patients have rights too you know." At which point L. shuts up and pushes her back. Meanwhile the patient looks up at her and says, "Well, we don't have to tell anyone, do we?" And Leslie says, "Like hell we don't! Of course I have to tell!" Skip ahead to the scene where Stephanie is in the room completely gowned up, with mask and gloves (all my patients always are on MRSA or VRE precautions and I look like the bogey man every week) wrassling with TED hose on a woman with contractures and who is non-responsive. I've nearly wrapt myself into a pretzel trying to get these things on the woman when I look up and L is standing outside my door gesturing frantically to me to come out and that she needs to talk to me. She had nearly come undone! She says, "OK, I just have to tell you what happened so that I can see your body language before I tell R. (our teacher). " I burst into laughter and nearly have a hernia and was of absolutely no use to her. Then R comes a long and while I'm gowning back up to go round two with the dreaded TED hose, I hear Robin, who is now down the hall with L. screeching, "WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU FIND A CHICKEN???" I look down the hall and she's standing there looking at L with utter confusion and disbelief. I disappeared in to my patient's room and giggled my way through the TED hose.

In the end, L did not get kicked out of school and it turns out that patients do have rights that include making decisions that will cause them harm. It's sad, but true. I adore Leslie and I hope she ends up in my permanent clinical group - I'd be lost without her. Or at least really bored.

"Blessed is she who reads and those who hear the words of the prophecy, and heed the things which are written in it; for the time is near."

So nursing school has brought to me something I never expected: Deep learning about myself. I was under the impression that I had already done that. You know, my 20s, wasn't that what that was all about? Apparently not. So why revelations? I guess it's kind of a joke I've played on myself. I'm a little sensitive about people elevating my husband to the status of a God....just because he's a doctor. PLEASE! Don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe he has god-status - at least in my eyes. But NOT because he's a doctor - come on! He's far more interesting than that. So why do I bring this up? Well, in previous episodes of my little nursing school dance, I reveled to my dear readers that one of my fantabulous classmates had mention something to the effect of, "you're doing well in RN school because your husband is a doctor..." Y'all can imagine what response welled up in me then...

Back to reveleations, as in, I had one today that rings true, to some extent, with what that ninny was saying about my doing well having nothing to do with actual merit. Put simply, my husband is smart. You know, of the really smart kind. And I've realized that I've partnered myself with someone who keeps my completely alive - not just in my body but in my brain. And I do owe, to some degree, my success to him. He's supportive, yes (he's planning his retirement) but he also puts up with my incessant questions and challenges me to think about what I'm asking rather than just give me the answer. And when we're not talking about nursing school he entertains my crazy ideas - like the one I have about feeling like I am existing in a painting rather than physically where I am, if that makes a lick of sense, from time to time. He challenges me to think deeply, and, thank goodness, speak correctly and eloquently. Ok, I do admit that eloquence isn't always in reach, but I do try. He holds an intellectual space for me and I'm grateful. He gets, "it" and he gets me. So dear husband, thank you for getting me through nursing school (oh, and life too, I just don't know how I'd do it without you!). I love you eternally!!

My clinical rotation last week was divine. My teacher, who was new last week is incredible. I feel really lucky to have her. She felt like I needed to have a different experience (other than the ultra tragic patient) and she gave me a guy who was a little complex but was looking at discharge to his home within the week. He was the most charming guy and we had a great time together. It was just what I needed to feel recharged and ready to tackle the upcoming weeks. We're at this hospital until the end of the semester so I'm going to need a thicker skin soon...

I'm learning a lot and I think the gals that were vibing me finally realized that it's just too much energy to vibe me and they've stopped. Halleluja!

By the way, if you've never read the Bible, I say start with revelations. They clearly had stumbled upon some D-lysergic acid amide and had numerous visions of their dead brother, Jesus.

For example:

15His feet were like burnished bronze, when it has been made to glow in a furnace, and His voice was like the sound of many waters.

16In His right hand He held seven stars, and out of His mouth came a sharp two-edged sword; and His face was like the sun shining in its strength.

19"Therefore write the things which you have seen, and the things which are, and the things which will take place after these things.

20"As for the mystery of the seven stars which you saw in My right hand, and the seven golden lampstands: the seven stars are the angels of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches.

Methinks they hath stumbled upon thy good and moldy grains.

So I sent you all a message about my little BLOG here and what do I get? I get a flood of messages from you all, my dear community, that are so supportive and upbeat! What would I do with out you all? I was completely overcome by emotions yesterday reading each message from each one of you and I can't tell you all how much it means to me that you not only support me in this process but you're excited for me as well.

Gosh, how lucky can a gal get, eh?

No no NO! Not to worry - nuthin' about GHBush here. Just a little story about the weirdness that is my life.

So, for two weeks in a row my assigned patients have been patients with trachs and ventilators. So, they can't speak unless their vent cuff is up. Needless to say, I've gotten to be very proficient at reading lips. I was crossing the street to get to school a few days ago and I crossed where there is no crosswalk. It would have taken me an extra 10 minutes to walk all the way down to the crosswalk and I just wasn't in the mood. I was waiting at the very wide and safe median and this lady in a white car drives past me and it wasn't until I was in class that I realized I had completely understood what she said to me regardless of the fact that her windows were up and she was driving on by. I started cracking up in class and had to excuse myself! As she drove by I read on her lips, "THERE'S NO CROSSWALK HERE!" To which I replied, as if she could hear me, "NO KIDDING! DUH!"

Silly, silly me.

A bit of snarkiness. There are two women in my class who are just beside themselves because I use words like, "post-prandial." And I know a few drugs and their repsective pharmacokinentics. And I know stuff about some disease processes and I'm always way (over) prepared for class. Why do I know these things? Because I have a degree in Neurobiology from Cal and I read anything I can get my hands on and I worked in health care forever. Not only did I work in healthcare, but I asked qestions; was curious about what was going on and always sought out learning opportunities. I love books and I read incessantly and have a big vocabulary. Is it a crime to know stuff? I am beginning to think so what with the way these ladies are treating me! They just freak out when I use a word they don't understand. Is it so big a deal not to know what a word means? If I don't know, I ask. Doesn't that seem reasonable? You don't know something you ask. How do you think I learn so much of what I know? I ask for goodness sakes! But no, when I use a word they don't understand they start chittering away like angry chipmunks and they vibe me hard. WTF? So I confronted two of them and I said, "You know, you two seem really annoyed when I use a word that you don't understand. One of them replied to me, "It's not annoyed, it's more like intimidated." And I said, well, I read incessantly and I work really hard. (one of them had implied that my having worked in health care has given me an unfair advantage and another of my mates implied that I do well in school because my husband is a doctor. can you believe that one?) If they should be miffed about anyone it should be the few young'uns in our class. One of them never studies, shows up to class and listens (but doesn't take notes) and get's high Bs on his exams. He always goofs-off in skills lab but still manages master his skills. His care plans are impeccable and he's always in a good mood and compassionate with his patients. Ahhhh, the advantage of youth. And the other young'uns are the same way, they put in half the work as I (actually, probably less because they have very complicated romantic lives) and they do pretty darn well.

Anyway, I'm not sure how much of it sunk in. Their attitude is SO foreign to me. I am so happy for my pals when they do well. What is the point in being nasty to someone because they know stuff?

So I was really upset about this and was just in a state. I guess I felt a sense of betrayal. I've been so supportive of everyone and I have put a lot of work into creating a sense of cohesiveness for our class and then I see evidence of jealousy and pettiness...After my ire had passed I was pretty sad about it all. Maybe 1 part failure, 2 parts disappointment, a scoop of bewilderdness and a pinch of scorn to top it all off.

Luckily, one of my favorite and best classmates who I just adore served as a sounding board for me and I was able to go home and not unleash my ire on Lorca. He puts up with so much nursey-nurse crap and is so patient with my venting. My classmate and I spoke for a bit and I started cracking up. I told her, that maybe next week, I'd use the word, "Watermelon." It's a big word, right? And I'll explain, "It's a large fruit. Has seeds. Sweet. You eat it."

Yesterday instead of going into the hospital, I and my mates attended to the kids of First Five. If you're not familiar with First Five I highly recommend googling - a fabulous organization to be sure. What we do as student nurses is to assess them for developmental milestones. There is a gross motor skill section which requires hopping, balance beam, throwing, etc..., a fine motor skill section requiring cutting, beading, etc..., and a section for vital signs.

I was very excited to be taking care of well patients and I was especially happy to be hanging out with kids. It was such a fun day! One of the gross motor skills they had to perform was galloping. I had three kids and of the three of them 2 were very, VERY shy and I had to do several rounds of hopping, skipping and galloping in order to get them to do it too. I woke up this morning and my thighs were killing me!!! Am I in that poor shape? I had been riding my bike to school but the weather has gone off and I need to get back in the saddle! It was a really fun morning with he kiddos but exhausting trying to keep these little ones engages for that long.

After our lunch break we were shown a film of a kid in Colombia who has done the most amazing things. I won't write about him here but you can check out: www.fundacioalbeirovargas dot org. Last week was rough for me - there were some nasty things that happened and a couple of my school mates have turned on me and are vibe-ing me something fierce (they're insecure and I'm doing well in school) and I was starting to feel a little sorry for myself. Then I saw this film and I was floored. How often am I (yes me!) speechless. Hard to believe, eh? I was indeed speechless. And, it gave me just the dose of perspective I needed. So who the hell cares if I'm getting vibed? Life is good, I'm doing well in school and I have the most amazing family and community a gal could ever hope for. (oh, and it's salmon season and there's chocolate in the pantry...)

and one last note, I did well on my last exam because i worked hard for it, not because my husband is a doctor. (tee hee)

just to begin - i don't proofread or edit these entries - it's almost too much for me to write them - I'm very tired - so please excuse the typos or the lack of coherence...

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I meant to write last week...but last week slipped away. I really regret it now because after last week's rotation I was as high as a kite. This week I feel low as a snake's belly. I would have liked to have jotted down my thoughts while still high on that which was my best clinical day to date. (not that there have been all that many) So here goes...tinged by the sadness of that which colored today.

Last week I was assigned a patient, "Mr. B." I created my care plan, which I thought was nearly flawless, and cared for him meticulously. As a result, he was stable all day (rare for him) until the physical therapist came and made him walk. He is unable to speak because he is on a ventilator, so unless his cuff is up, I have to read his lips. He has gotten very good at communicating with just his lips. We had a great time and at the end of the day, with his wife at his bedside he said, "I love you," to me. I think I did my job well. I went home feeling like I was walking on air regardless of the fact that one of my classmates was having a meltdown and ragging on and on about how horrible everything was. She bitched for three days straight! I felt confident, optimistic and excited. I couldn't wait for my next clinical day! That brings me to today.

I still feel confident, happy, optimistic and excited...but I'm worn out. Emotionally drained and stunned, I guess, at the reality of what med-surg nursing is really about.

What kind of world do we live in that we don't value our children and our elders enough to invest in high quality of care for them? Is it because they are not productive citizens churning out the goods that make the world go 'round? It's so tragic for me to see how poorly these people are cared for. Maybe their medical issues are attended to, I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I am a person who can see their humanity and their needs - their unmet needs. Caring is what they are lacking. I see this because I spend all day with one patient - a luxury I will never again have after this semester. They need caring. They need someone to understand how much it must suck to not have use of your fucking legs and arms; how frustrating it must be to not be able to itch your fucking forehead because your god-damned arms won't move; how dehumanizing it must be to have to wear a diaper at the age of 75 and have someone wipe your ass for you and clean the shit from your skin.

Today, put plainly, was really, really challenging. Painfully so. I cried today. I cried because I just couldn't figure out how to care for my patient and guard his dignity. He is a deeply proud man who has, in his life, accomplished much. In his previous life he was a very important person, in charge of many people and responsible for the lives of his people. He's was a tall, muscular and strapping man with a gorgeous family. He fell, broke his neck and is now a high quadriplegic. He cannot communicate with me because he has a tracheostomy so I need to read his lips. I was crushed to discover that I couldn't read his lips as well as Mr. B.'s. We struggled for most of the morning just over conversation. I refused, absolutely refused, to ignore him as everyone else was doing. Not only were they ignoring him, they dismissed him. It was heartbreaking for me because I know that they have to in order to get their work done for the day. They have lots of patients; they are not nursing students and they don't have all day with just him. They say that he's more confused than he actually is because they don't have the time to talk to him. If they would just put his vent cuff up and spend a couple of hours with him they would see that he's far more lucid than they think.

His children are hell bent on prolonging, as I see it, his suffering, as they see it, his life. If his heart stops, they want all measures taken to re-start his heart. They want him hooked up to more machines than he already is and if his life is so important to them, why don't they come to visit?

I spent a lot of today trying to figure out how to deliver his care. It was hard because I couldn't understand him. A nurse came in and said, "Use the letter board," in a very gruff voice. To which I replied, "And how might he point at the letters?" But she had gone because she could hear me. At one point he said to me, "I need to go to the bathroom and I want the commode." But he can't sit on the commode because he can't sit unless he's in a special wheelchair. He was embarrassed to have to shit in a diaper. That's when I lost it. I was trying to talk to him as if shitting in a diaper was a normal thing. He's a little confused yes, but he's not stupid and he's more there than most folks there will give credit. I just wasn't on top of my game and I felt angry with myself and so sad for him. I had to leave the room (to give myself credit, I didn't lose it in front of him) . I found my instructor and had her talk me back down to earth and then I took 5 minutes to get myself together and create some kind of plan. I decided that I would find my CNA and ask if I could do peri-care with him on another patient before we went back to do Mr. H. He was, of course, really happy for my help. He was amazingly patient and kind to me and taught me all of his tricks. We went back to Mr. H. and completed his morning care. I had already done my assessment, vitals and med review so I was pretty much done with him for the day except for assessing his airway and mouth. We had had such a frustrating morning I decided I would read to him from his book. It was some god-awful hitchcock book and I was miserable reading it. But it was worth it because he was in absolute heaven. I read to him for about 45 minutes, until I had to meet my teacher for post-clinical conference. When I stopped he mouthed, "Why did you stop?" I said, "Well, it's time for me to go home." He mouthed, "Well, thank you, thank you, thank you." Then he mouthed, "You are a very beautiful woman," and winked at me. All the frustration, in that moment, was worth it. He made my day, and, more importantly, I think I made his.

It was a really hard day, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. I have my health and I can care for those who do not. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm more suited to nursing than medicine.